Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
