so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
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i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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