I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
