I will die if light touches me.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
