I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
