My room smells like vodka and shame
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
