I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
