Only a mothe r could love this liver
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
