im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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