THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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