I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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