my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
