God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
