I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
