hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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