She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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