The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
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I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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