Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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