I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
