I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
