You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
