i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
