she woke up with a sticky ear
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
