3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
