saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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