If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
