Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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