In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
