Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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