You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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