wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
