i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
