remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
