I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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