Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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