I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
