I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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