Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
