I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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