I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My hand turned me down
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
