No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
