My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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