first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
