new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
