i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
