Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
