My liver just broke up with me...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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