I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
it was like eating out sand paper
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
