i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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