You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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