my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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