I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I know her cup size but not her name....
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