Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
