Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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