My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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