Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
