My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
